Endometriosis

Yes, I do know what endometriosis is - unfortunately. I have it and it's not pretty. It's one of the most misunderstood diseases out there, and I think most people don't know what it is, although so many people have it. It's incurable and not always manageable. My disease happens to be one of the unmanageable cases and one of the worst cases. I'm in chronic pain, agony and have not responded to any of the treatment - at least not significantly enough. I've been forced to make some serious decisions and will be having major surgery next month (more on that another day). I'm mostly mad that there isn't more research being done to cure this disease and I hate to say it but I have to suspect that it has something to do with it being a woman's disease and probably politics too. I'm sad that people are suffering, most of us have pain to some degree and oddly enough some people who have it don't have any symptoms. Symptoms and pain don't always correlate with the stage of the disease, which I find very interesting. So many questions, no answers.

Endometriosis Anyone?

Does anyone know what Endometriosis is?

I have a lot to say on the subject but I'd really like to hear what the general public actual knows about this incurable disease.

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Losing the Battle

why must she be left alone
to fight this losing battle
make decisions that will change
the course of life dreams,
hopes, and wonders
is there a silver lining in
that low hovering cloud
is there a ray of sunglight
on these dark days
will the full moon guide
her to answer the unanswerable
does she have the fight left
or is it too late
is she changed forever
doomed by a disease
doomed by the abandonment
scarred by the fictitious
port in the storm
will she grow old alone
doomed to a life of solace
was this all practice for
a life predestined
is it no wonder she leans
towards solitude?
Had she known her fate
all along - deep and intuitive?
Will strength be gained once more?

Freedom

Freedom of the heart is a grand notion
it is even grander when
you experience it first hand
no longer being held hostage by
hopes, illusions and delusions
ammends that have no backbone
and no improving behavior to match
no more words tossed your way to
shut you up and keep you at bay
no more deal breakers - whoa!
freedom from someone elses
bouts of anger, depression, and arrogance
and hidden under all that is a person
with the capacity of great things
you see it, only if you go along with what
he wants to do, and only what he wants to discuss
All those months, and in one day
all the love is gone, a single a-ha moment
All that waiting.... though a good lesson has
taken place - there are no excuses for bad behavior
no exuses to keep breaking the same heart
and no excuses for devouring the same soul

Ordinary

To the reader who commented to me that I am ordinary:

I checked out your blog - no comment.

Sometimes

Sometimes
Love is not enough
Sometimes
you have to live and learn
Sometimes
you have to just let go
Sometimes
you have to demand more
Sometimes
you have to put yourself first
Sometimes
you will never be enough
Sometimes
they just don't know better
Sometimes
they weren't taught romantic love
Sometimes
I just have to send good thoughts and forgive...
as I walk away

Maybe

maybe
there are those you let
in and out of your life
and they suck out of you
everything last thing
you have to give
your soul, your sunshine,
even your self respect
they do this all the while
making you feel guilty, a burden
for asking for anything in return
and making you feel like
you agreed to the plan
and then don't even show the
desire or mutual respect
to even attempt to give back
what you need or desire
a one sided, very convenient
existence - twisted at that
maybe, I'll try it some time
maybe, if I decide to become
selfish, self-centered
maybe if I decide to think
only of number one for once
maybe, if I get tired of trying
to meet people in the middle
maybe, if I wake up some day
and just stop caring
maybe, just maybe
hell, I've learned from the best
maybe, but probably not

..as I have danced with the devil

Doubt lingers upon the journey of hope
clouding perception as it grips my throat
forcing me to look back to times
unprotected, unsheltered, unwanted
I disengage as my hurried thoughts jade
the presence before me
as I have danced with the devil
like a sleep walker in a numb state of
unawareness in order to protect
all I have left worth saving, my heart-
as it dares to dream against the odds
and in spite of the memories of days long ago
that feel much more close than the distant past

The Design of Us

Memories
swim
through my
faded existence
memories of you
I channel my force
towards positive
today it's not hard
like yesterday
and probably tomorrow
I remember the gentleness
you showered over
a broken body
devoid of all things good
you made me believe
and so I was salvagable
though, that was a fleeting
dream lived out by a fairy
just as was the design of us
it was fun to pretend
for awhile