I'm Still Standing....I relate

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

by Elton John

Disease

You hid in the shadows when you should have taken center stage
now your disease surrounds you, like you've got the plague

change is certain and your view is all askew
as you pray for some healing from the anger that grew

from the depths of your heart, dark and broken
tears are few, so many words unspoken

as the loss of a love that you never really knew
leaves you tossing up shaken thoughts of just what to do

you killed a dream and broke a heart
dark phantom actions, were they so smart?

the descent was slow 'til the bitter end
then time picked up speed, which may have been her God send

Serenity of my Soul

As I walk through the raindrops my hesitant heart sings
of the here and the now and the serenity it brings

burning embers of joy pump through my veins
I forget the worry, the fear, those ever looming strains

the waterfall from heaven cleanses my soul
I feel the stillness of the present play its ever soothing role

the illuminating clarity, the quiet space between thought
silences the black noise in my head that my awareness caught

I've let go of the past, no fear of my own future
I bless my existence in the now and this universe - my teacher

This is Farewell

All at once I start to cry

not bothering to wipe the tears, I sigh

realizing what a fool I've been

it's too late now to get out of the trouble I'm in

I saw the signs from the start

yet I blindly gambled with my heart

Now I must let you go

what a shame, how I admired you so

Suddenly

one walks out
another walks in
is that part of the plan
the new magic of laughter
amidst inner turmoil
I'll give thanks when I can
as I find myself looking back
to memories I thought I lost long ago
a hand reaches out so I reach back
with a smile upon my face
and hope in my heart
I grapple with fear of upcoming days
Suddenly I know I'll be alright

Getting There...

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
these tears I shed bring long due repair

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
small steps of hope, slowly I dare

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
each day, I fight with all I can bare

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
on a hope, a dream, a wish, a prayer

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
with hugs of friendship that you share

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
that shield of shame I no longer wear

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
head held high with the breeze through my hair

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I'll fight my way, knowing life's just not fair

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
cross my heart, I am - I swear

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
as I smell the fresh, clean new air

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
the past is gone, I will no longer compare

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I'll make it friends, I will I swear

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I'll fight the beast, sitting alone in solitaire

I'm on my way I'm getting there
I'm nudged along by few that care

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
in my ways, I'm a famed millionaire

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I own it now, I've paid my fare

Recovery

I had my surgery almost two weeks ago - progress is slow, but certain. It's so hard to train the mind to listen to the body and relax when all of these months I have been forcing my mind to ignore my body and carry on, be a trooper, do what needs to be done - and I did (for the most part), you know how it is, mind over matter. Now, I am told to listen to my body, don't overdo it, rest, stay in bed etc. etc. etc....I have at least two more weeks, maybe four of recovery and boy, the hardest part is dealing with the finality of the situation. Few things in my life have been so final. Now, there's no going back. I'll never have what I dreamed of, hoped for, expected all of my life. That door is closed and yes I know there are other options but I am feeling the loss of what could have, should have been a possibility for me. A door closed and I am left to wonder, what if? what if? The surgery was necessary, necessary to be pain free and regain my sanity, my life. So I am left to reorganize my future dreams and wait for new doors to open. I am hopeful and certain that after the initial coping and grieving period, I will be at peace with my decision.

To Sleep...To Dream...

I saw you in a dream last night

as we danced beneath the pale moonlight

we walked along the sandy beach

your warmth no longer out of reach

you claimed me as your north star

so you could always find me - near or far

I told you secrets buried deep inside

while I saw the tears you tried to hide

you promised me that you'd stand guard

when life was tough and times were hard

we talked until the rising of the summer sun

it was then I knew...you were the one