Allowing

♥     ♥     ♥     ♥     ♥


the spirit of allowing

brings boundless gifts

as karmic inheritance reigns  

them in - enveloping a heart

open enough to accept


and be at peace with 

whatever may be

may you be blessed

by the spirit of allowing


♥     ♥     ♥     ♥     ♥

Laugh

Sometimes, I have to laugh
at her thought of
"out of sight...out of mind"
does she not know
that I am unforgettable

Sometimes, I have to laugh
at the ignorance of the man
who claims to be reformed,
rehabilitated, changed
and then turns around
and disturbs my sense of trust

Sometimes, I have to laugh
when I am treated as a fool
and baited to get sucked back
into a virual vortex of hell
as intuiton nudges me towards NO

Sometimes, I have to laugh
that I could have used spite
to bring down that sham of a
connection you claimed
you no longer had but...
your dishonesty will do
that on its own for you

Sometimes, I have to laugh
that in light of poor behavior
I will not turn you out as friend..
because I think you undoubtedly
will need one

Sometimes, I have to laugh
for there is nothing left to do

My Heart!!

Merry Christmas from Santa's Best Elf!!

Hopeful. Happy. Free.

I'm looking back on a really tough year.  No, not tough - horrendous.  I smile inside - I did it.  I made it through. I can now function in the world around me the way I was meant to - for the most part.  My body is no longer ravaged by endometriosis. I have meat on my bones - no longer a skeleton that people scoff at.   I'm virtually pain-free...physically.   I have scars - most of them internal now.   Each day, I count my blessings and try to find purpose in a disease that I suffered with for some 23 years before diagnosis.  I'll never give birth to a child. I was really coming to terms with it - really, I was.  Even with prego bellies everywhere, I was ok...that is until this month.  December.  The season of magic.  Christmas.  The holiday for children.  The time of year I had always dreamed I'd share with my own children.  It's been hard to get in the spirit because I know a dream has died and a part of me has died along with it.  So with the close of this year, I mourn that dream BUT my friends, little miracles are happening everywhere around me.  I am excited - very excited about the year ahead.  Great things are in the works and I'm dreaming new dreams, BIG dreams.  I am grateful.  I am hopeful.  I am happy.  I am free.

Christmastown

If you're ever in the Charlotte area in December and you need a little Christmas.....

right this very  minute....

 complete with a plethora of Christmas lights.....wreaths.....

 patriotic tributes to our soldiers.....

PEACE, LOVE....

 and the reassurance that Christ still is part of Christmas.....

then come to McAdenville......

You'll be glad you did!!!

Unfinished Business

why do we dive
head first into torture
when we know danger is impending
already feeling the pain of loss
as each day melts into another
I question the sanity
and the obsurdity of
the fantastical dreams
and so wonder why we dare
to dream in this way at all
is it safe in that we know
the end is imminent
and the void of long ago
shall never be filled
do we dare challenge
the strength of friendship
decades strong
or has self preservation
reared its head
because we can not
chance the risk

Less Than

do I give credence

to a pain so

strikingly familiar that

I shake at the thought

of its return

do I ask why

as babies surround me

and none of them are mine

and how do I wash away

the lower than, less than

seed that was planted long ago

can I continue to smile

as the mourning continues

to dizzy this heart and mind
I can only hope for time

Subject to Change

Those words I once penned
in the stillness of night
were left carelessly out in the rain

the bleeding, ink and blurred remains
are all that's left behind

I gave a shrug and a sigh
beneath the cobwebs of my mind

where the voice of intuition whispered
you've been down this path before

but the weight of a hopeful heavy heart
doubted that escape clause

which in no uncertain terms
sang I'll love you now
but not 'til forever
for life is subject to change

Tower (a repost)

I pause and reflect

upon the mosaic of my existence

recollecting scattered thoughts

as the ill mood of irritability

blows away like a dandelion

in the ferocity of a powerful wind

I allow realization to surface

and readjust my frame of mind to

accept that the fire within is deep

it is wild - it is fierce

it may dwindle but

only for so long as it takes

to revel, recharge, and reassess

for it fuels long lost dreams

and ignites passion owned by

my courage and desire to

confront the unknown

as the myriad of feelings

both unwanted and undesirable

work cohesively to draw the shades upon

my world as I know it and jade

my view of hope and serenity

though they stand powerless

against the omnipotent tower within

Dreams

I saw you in a dream last night

as we danced beneath the pale moonlight

we walked along the sandy beach

your warmth no longer out of reach

you claimed me as your north star

so you could always find me - near or far

I told you secrets buried deep inside

while I saw the tears you tried to hide

you promised me that you'd stand guard

when life was tough and times were hard

we talked until the rising of the summer sun

it was then I knew...you were the one

Forever Pink

Artwork by John Matthew Stanwood
Please do not copy or use without the written permission of the artist

forever pink

the color of you

the strength inside

your allegiance so true

foreve pink

your laughter

your smiles

the treasures you share

bring peace all the while

forever pink

fightin the disease

deep inside

the demons, the heartache

you've been tryin to hide

forever pink

you'll beat this too

it won't drag you down

after all you've been through

forever pink

right here

I stand guard

I'll be the rock

as you fight hard

to know you

to love you

is to keep you secure

what comes from your heart

is soft and pure

Salute the Veterans!!

“For it has been said so truthfully that it is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the agitator, who has given us the freedom to protest. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves beneath the flag, whose coffin is draped by the flag, who gives that protester the freedom to abuse and burn that flag.” Zell Weller

Get Your Game On!!!

You play they pay.....play your favorite games online and dial soap will doante towards the mission of the Endometriosis Foundation of America!!  So when you have some down time "get your game on" and help support the fight against this disease!!! 

Within (Uncertainty)

hope withers as words agitate

once lyrical musings

from lips thought serene and safe

as rough waters shake the bridge

beneath already unsteady feet

though the dance is not over

as faith steps forward and

sways to an uncertain beat

where timelines and tradition

have no role and chivalry

that forgotten word

swirls in a dizzy mind

questioning uncertain principles

that guide actions of right and wrong

in an effort to make sense of it all

though self removal of that inner battle

brings calm to turbulent waters

a storm may be brewing that could

snuff out faith and quiet music within

Travels

You may understand how I unraveled
for on the same path you have traveled.
If I lean in your direction,
will you give my heart protection?
If I place your hand in mine,
I think again, the sun might shine.
upon the shadows of my face,
there will be no longer be a trace.
Will you be my port in this storm,
show me tenderness to keep me warm?
Will you promise to be a true friend,
and love me 'til the very end?
Together, there may be a fleeting chance,
to live a happy, true romance.

Truth Unseen

in the presence of a stranger
challenging unrequited love
bursting at the seems
givin sensibility a shove
handing over your words
on a platter of gold
soon you'll be shedding tears
while watchin the years unfold
like an innocent child - usin your heart as a guide
with your chamber of secrets open wide
a lack of wisdom fuels the fire
a doe in the darkness your dreams still inspire
the love of lyrics and the big movie screen
the cold, hard truth in front of you...yet to be seen

Dream

I have tucked your words

beneath my pillow

in hopes that my dreams

shall capture them and

bring peace to my

restless slumber

and maybe, just maybe

for some fleeting moments

before I wake, I shall truly

exist as you have written

me out to be and I may wake

with the proud memory of

my grand performance in the

starring role upon which you

have cast me

Hamlet of My Heart

I have regained clarity

and repossessed the hamlet

of my still beating heart

that of which I left with

cruel, reckless abandon

too long ago, allowing

an outlander to reign,

roam, stake claim and

scoff - subdued disaster

begging, vying for

acceptance, credence

how arrogant to call my truth

a hoax, a game, a ploy

the glimmer of an innocent dawn

brings about the gentle

reacquisition of my heart,

my hamlet, my home

In Memory of Me

what if you saw me in another life

would you glance my way or walk on by

does the memory haunt or soothe the soul

dance in your heart or make you cold

do you hope for my shadow upon your door

as the distance between us become more and more

tell me now does the truth not lie

do you ever look back to when you said good bye

would you recognize me now if we passed on the street

does my memory not dance in the eyes of those you meet

In the Blink of an Eye

dancing on the cusp of disaster

I rearrange my frame of mind

it's all a decision, a yes or a no

the deciding factor of how things will flow

a rite of passage or curse of time

no matter the reason, peace always comes with time

embracing the shards of broken glass

disappointment, frustration will hail to pass

surroundin my heart and bleedin me dry

not a result of cirumstances but rather my

pursuit to stand strong ....or lay down and cry

Remembrance

In the fog of an Autumn dream

I hear your whisper in my heart

Courage Contagious

dark moments

when strength is lost

courage is tested

hope has dwindled

faith is questioned

tears are falling

and I am failing

you take my hand

whispering hope in my ears

and love in my heart

your courage -  contagious

brings me back to audacious

and so I am free to be me once again

Making Strides...

Saving lives from breast cancer starts one team, one walker, and one dollar at a time. Join us, and together we will create a world with less breast cancer and more birthdays.

Withered and Weathered

when the need is greatest I stand alone
suffocating in the fog of my mind
no headlight nor spotlight
frees the angst of misty ties that still bind
resillience long tampered with brings faith weak with worry
as inhibited, unenchanting thoughts feverishly scurry
through the depths of those memories I called hope
I accept human nature for what it is - in this life ...a slippery slope

Letting Go

relief of finality
blessings of truth
nurturance of self
happiness for health
acceptance of denial
appreciation for what was
knowing not to step back
coordination of one - foot - in - front - of - the - other
wisdom to always follow intuition
excitement for fruition of pending dreams
contentment for what IS

(Repost from April 2009)

You came to me in a series of dreams over the past month. I nicknamed you Ella Blue because your eyes were more brilliant and blue than any I'd ever seen. You were mine and I was yours. I knew every inch of you and the bond was so great nothing could take you away from me. I knew every strand of your golden hair, every spec in your dark outlined blue eyes, every long curly eyelash, every dimple in your little fingers, every ringlet of chub around your wrists and your ankles, and mostly I knew the smile of your brilliant eyes and cherry red lips. We played in the sand building castles and dreams, we played in the grass and you laughed as you caught lady bugs and you tried to catch the birds but they were out of your grasp. I longed to catch one for you, if only for a moment in time. We laughed at the bunnies and at the squirrels and then each night I kissed you good bye. I knew that you'd be back, in my dreams and you were...many a night. That is until last night, you appeared as usual but in the end a woman appeard to take you away, you cried with your little arms outstretched reaching for me. I was held back by a force stronger than man and all at once you were gone. It was then that I awoke with tears in my eyes, trickling slowly down my face. Come back, Ella Blue.




xoxoxo

Whispers

I still dream of you
Isabella Blue
your whispers wake me
so I scan the room
still utterly shocked
you're just a dream
life is cruel - so it seems
you visit my slumber in the darkness of night
I can't escape you though I try with all my might
the girl in my dreams with bright blue eyes
is replaced with emptiness, and sad sighs
I'm dizzy in loss on this dark, paved road
tears trickle in the shadows of my quiet abode
cold shivers of regret, despair and fear
I'm cursing the disease that brought me here
cradling the nights alone in the dark
til morning sun tries to warm my heart
I hope up and look to a brand new day
where acceptance comes back and regret's at bay

Please help!

Hello Readers,

Last summer, I published my first book...A Portrait of the Human Heart : A Collection of Poetry.  Thank you so much to those of you who have followed my blog and or purchased my book.  I am currently finishing up my second book and I will let you know when it is available.  For those of you who have read and enjoyed my poetry here on my blog, I would welcome your reviews on lulu.com where my book is available for purchase.  You do not even have to purchase the book to leave your review.  I would greatly appreciate your support in getting some more reviews up there for me - the more reveiws the better!!  Just click on the link above and it will take you right to my page on lulu.com.   Thanks again for walking this path with me.  Your support from day one has been what led me to continue this blog and publication. 

All my best,
Noelle Dunn

Hope

Hope floats above the shade of the old evergreen tree
fueling the wish, the dream inside of me

A risk, caution - part of the warm spring wind
my word, my trust, I won't dare rescind

You gentle soul, you've been through much
now you're my supporting beam, my leaning crutch

lavishing love upon a spirit raining drops of tears
your calmness, stillness easing those chilling fears

as your music blooms in my auspicious heart
may the lyrics read....may we never part

Revelation

it's a sad, sad revelation
to find that you are looking down
when all the while you
thought you were looking up

it's a sad, sad revelation when
you finally ask for what you want
and get a cold shoulder in return

it's a sad, sad revelation when
you find you have been walking solo
when you thought someone had your hand

it's a sad, sad revelation when
the friend you loved turns out to be
a stranger

it's a sad, sad revelation when
you dared to dream
and find hope buried at your feet

it's a sad, sad revelation when
you know it's time to build new dreams
but your body says
"No, I've had enough"

Change

change of heart
twist of fate
a hidden secret
boy I took the bait
a shattered dream
hope long lost
wonder what else
besides self respect
this cost
takin a look
on the other side
seein' renewed faith
and steadfast pride
in the eyes of ghost
amidst whose presence I'll shine
naturally we'll intertwine
I'll be his jewel, he'll be my treasure
hand in hand we'll dream together

Emergence II

Sun will shine bright


in that naive, listless

chambered heart

it too, shall survive

Amazed at strength's source

presently seeking clarity

of buried thoughts

as beckoning hope

carefully calls

a Strong heart keeps marching

renewing old dreams

a fierce, fiery emergence

takes a stand

a challenge for the taking

in the dawn of daybreak

embracing the dream...

in the making

Invisible Keepsakes

Invisible keepsakes
those memories of you
they've charted my path
unconscious but true
weeping willow
melancholic soul
the long lost wait
has taken its toll
the sadness is sacred
though the dream is gone
that hope of someday
I secretly counted on
some things were just
not meant to be
those dizzy notions
caused complacency
keeping me captive
those memories have cost
invisible keepsakes
all the while lost

Allowing

the spirit of allowing
brings bountless gifts
as karmic inheritance reigns
them in - enveloping a heart
open enough to accept
and be at peace with
whatever may be
may you be blessed
by the spirit of allowing

Dusty Doll - Dusty Shelf

I am the doll long forgotten
once put upon a dusty shelf
as love spread to a new, shinier,
version of my former self
a more exciting one 
quickly replaced by
one that didn't ask for anything
not even the warmth of love
one that didn't speak
only to reply
"yes" and "no" and shake
her head in constant admiration
she sheds no tears
and wants for nothing
a trophy it seems
I am non-existent
in a world of dreams
as I have become tired
and worn at the seems
I no longer work as
I once did
even with fresh, new batteries
I am broken
unwanted
deserted
and so I wait
for a turn once again
when I will be picked up
dusted off, and admired
for a mane of gold, eyes of blue
and a heart of gold
and maybe something more
even if only from afar
oh I dream to be auspicious...
once again

Free shipping for summer!!

Free shipping on lulu.com....now's your chance to avoid shipping costs. 

You can find my book at lulu.com by searching "A Portrait of the Human Heart: A Collection of Poetry" or simply type in my name "Noelle Dunn".  The code for free shipping is FREESHIP....Enjoy my friends.  Book 2 is in the works.

Blessings to you all ......and many thanks to those of you who have showed support and purchased my book!

xo
N

RE: "A Mini Primer on Grief Work"

Check this out.... I happened upon Bonnie's blog today and it really spoke to me in light of my current state of mind.  It's very informative regarding the grieving process. 

Be kind to yourselves. 

xoxo
N

A Dream ....Too Far

I have tucked your words

beneath my pillow

in hopes that my dreams

shall capture them and

bring peace to my

restless slumber

and maybe, just maybe

for some fleeting moments

before I wake, I shall truly

exist as you have written

me out to be and I may wake

with the proud memory of

my grand performance in the

starring role upon which you

have cast me

Prince Charming

Sweet dreams to you prince in your far away land

I'll ponder our musings as I imagine us, hand in hand

as we may emerge from fantasy...solo to duo

An illusion, or possibility? it's bliss to dream though

I can imagine your smile as you are playful and kind

as I gather daisy petals and fuzzy is my mind

Your warmth burns like a candle in my heart

why must it be that you're miles apart?

Peace

I found my peace
in a bounding voice
but it wasn't his I tell you
it came in a dream
it was God - I know
as he lay his gentle hand
upon my shaking, shivering shoulder
and guided me toward the light
I found my peace, I know it well
I feel it in my heart
but it isn't him, I tell you now
for it came to me in a dream

Adage

twist of fate
you met your match
fire versus ice
doors are closin
windows openin
old adages come a callin
I know their value
from long time use
that leopard won't change its spots
'til the truth syrum comes a spillin
from lips pursed tight
a man damned right
stuck in a rabbit hole

Intuitive Musings

The magic of intuition inspires
thoughts of the the kindest musings
her sense of self trust is stronger
as she smiles at her inner vixen
she pounced back as she had enough
she know his secrets and true -
she waited, hoped
he would unveil them all on his own
he thinks her naive, how simple
but she knows much better now
she must only giggle at the game
he thought he played so strong
toying with perceptions
if only he knew how long she knew
how long she hoped for credence
the unglowing of his eyes
and faltered life stare wildly
of a loss that he shall soon come to know
as soon enough, in a dark lonely moment
he will admit, if only to himself,
he gambled, lost the tender heart who
loved him pure enough

Help?

You see I thought I'd get creative and add this new header. I do like it however it's too small. So, anyway here's the problem: I click remove image over and over and over and over and it will NOT remove itself. Does anyone have any ideas? This is really bothering me. :(

I just don't know

I have no idea where this blog is taking me. Somedays, I wish for my old anonymity. Maybe I will start anew, which seems to be the theme of my life as of late. After my second surgery, my body seems to have grown more tired than ever. I wish to run around the block or even walk for that matter. I wish for so many things and have been quite disappointed that my reach is so far. It seems I have changed in so many ways and so have the people around me. I counted on so few but still feel let down. It is tough enough to recover but even tougher to try and mend a broken heart and the sense of abandonment that I feel. I only hope for you that you have a very Happy Easter and that your baskets be filled with loyalty, friendship, love, and joy. I am lucky enough to be alive, so with that I am lucky enough.

I'm Still Standing....I relate

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

by Elton John

Disease

You hid in the shadows when you should have taken center stage
now your disease surrounds you, like you've got the plague

change is certain and your view is all askew
as you pray for some healing from the anger that grew

from the depths of your heart, dark and broken
tears are few, so many words unspoken

as the loss of a love that you never really knew
leaves you tossing up shaken thoughts of just what to do

you killed a dream and broke a heart
dark phantom actions, were they so smart?

the descent was slow 'til the bitter end
then time picked up speed, which may have been her God send

Serenity of my Soul

As I walk through the raindrops my hesitant heart sings
of the here and the now and the serenity it brings

burning embers of joy pump through my veins
I forget the worry, the fear, those ever looming strains

the waterfall from heaven cleanses my soul
I feel the stillness of the present play its ever soothing role

the illuminating clarity, the quiet space between thought
silences the black noise in my head that my awareness caught

I've let go of the past, no fear of my own future
I bless my existence in the now and this universe - my teacher

This is Farewell

All at once I start to cry

not bothering to wipe the tears, I sigh

realizing what a fool I've been

it's too late now to get out of the trouble I'm in

I saw the signs from the start

yet I blindly gambled with my heart

Now I must let you go

what a shame, how I admired you so

Suddenly

one walks out
another walks in
is that part of the plan
the new magic of laughter
amidst inner turmoil
I'll give thanks when I can
as I find myself looking back
to memories I thought I lost long ago
a hand reaches out so I reach back
with a smile upon my face
and hope in my heart
I grapple with fear of upcoming days
Suddenly I know I'll be alright

Getting There...

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
these tears I shed bring long due repair

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
small steps of hope, slowly I dare

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
each day, I fight with all I can bare

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
on a hope, a dream, a wish, a prayer

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
with hugs of friendship that you share

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
that shield of shame I no longer wear

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
head held high with the breeze through my hair

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I'll fight my way, knowing life's just not fair

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
cross my heart, I am - I swear

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
as I smell the fresh, clean new air

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
the past is gone, I will no longer compare

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I'll make it friends, I will I swear

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I'll fight the beast, sitting alone in solitaire

I'm on my way I'm getting there
I'm nudged along by few that care

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
in my ways, I'm a famed millionaire

I'm on my way, I'm getting there
I own it now, I've paid my fare

Recovery

I had my surgery almost two weeks ago - progress is slow, but certain. It's so hard to train the mind to listen to the body and relax when all of these months I have been forcing my mind to ignore my body and carry on, be a trooper, do what needs to be done - and I did (for the most part), you know how it is, mind over matter. Now, I am told to listen to my body, don't overdo it, rest, stay in bed etc. etc. etc....I have at least two more weeks, maybe four of recovery and boy, the hardest part is dealing with the finality of the situation. Few things in my life have been so final. Now, there's no going back. I'll never have what I dreamed of, hoped for, expected all of my life. That door is closed and yes I know there are other options but I am feeling the loss of what could have, should have been a possibility for me. A door closed and I am left to wonder, what if? what if? The surgery was necessary, necessary to be pain free and regain my sanity, my life. So I am left to reorganize my future dreams and wait for new doors to open. I am hopeful and certain that after the initial coping and grieving period, I will be at peace with my decision.

To Sleep...To Dream...

I saw you in a dream last night

as we danced beneath the pale moonlight

we walked along the sandy beach

your warmth no longer out of reach

you claimed me as your north star

so you could always find me - near or far

I told you secrets buried deep inside

while I saw the tears you tried to hide

you promised me that you'd stand guard

when life was tough and times were hard

we talked until the rising of the summer sun

it was then I knew...you were the one

A Season of Change

random moods
of an unsettled soul
still overshadow my smile
though I try to control
thoughtless actions
and those biting words
giving those ill thoughts
credence strikes me so obsurd
so I sip truth syrum
and just remember when
a friendship was true,strong
will it be back again
like the swinging door
of his changing mood
and the seasons of time
.....or will you stay unglued

Nothing Left to Say

Nothing left to say
to a twisted, jagged mind
that saps my strength,
my ingenuity
and breaks my sinking spirit
without a second thought
a pouting child
doesn't get its way
and stomps and pounds
its feet
no wonder true love
never stays
what's worse your
suspicion or deceit?
Nothing left to say
No, nothing left to say

Empty Chamber

empty chamber
precursor to loss
energy fading
pondering the cost
a remedy for the physical
disturbing the emotional
denial abruptly burns
as the tears of
reality churn
the wheels of inner
conflict
combat the sharp
words they afflict
no soothing a heart
that is now broken
not even the venom
of the words I leave unspoken
the empty chamber echoes
as it's so hollow
as I dream of happier
paths I wish I could follow

Noise

chattering noise brewing inside
irritates the sensibilities
and shakes the core of my sanity
the wait is long and arduous
while hope is feeble and tired
gathering wild rosebuds at my feet
I take what I can as I ponder defeat
the girl in the mirror, so foreign now
change is certain
no looking back now

Endometriosis

Yes, I do know what endometriosis is - unfortunately. I have it and it's not pretty. It's one of the most misunderstood diseases out there, and I think most people don't know what it is, although so many people have it. It's incurable and not always manageable. My disease happens to be one of the unmanageable cases and one of the worst cases. I'm in chronic pain, agony and have not responded to any of the treatment - at least not significantly enough. I've been forced to make some serious decisions and will be having major surgery next month (more on that another day). I'm mostly mad that there isn't more research being done to cure this disease and I hate to say it but I have to suspect that it has something to do with it being a woman's disease and probably politics too. I'm sad that people are suffering, most of us have pain to some degree and oddly enough some people who have it don't have any symptoms. Symptoms and pain don't always correlate with the stage of the disease, which I find very interesting. So many questions, no answers.

Endometriosis Anyone?

Does anyone know what Endometriosis is?

I have a lot to say on the subject but I'd really like to hear what the general public actual knows about this incurable disease.

Facebook

Find me on facebook....just search "A Portrait of the Human Heart" and you'll find me! xo

Losing the Battle

why must she be left alone
to fight this losing battle
make decisions that will change
the course of life dreams,
hopes, and wonders
is there a silver lining in
that low hovering cloud
is there a ray of sunglight
on these dark days
will the full moon guide
her to answer the unanswerable
does she have the fight left
or is it too late
is she changed forever
doomed by a disease
doomed by the abandonment
scarred by the fictitious
port in the storm
will she grow old alone
doomed to a life of solace
was this all practice for
a life predestined
is it no wonder she leans
towards solitude?
Had she known her fate
all along - deep and intuitive?
Will strength be gained once more?

Freedom

Freedom of the heart is a grand notion
it is even grander when
you experience it first hand
no longer being held hostage by
hopes, illusions and delusions
ammends that have no backbone
and no improving behavior to match
no more words tossed your way to
shut you up and keep you at bay
no more deal breakers - whoa!
freedom from someone elses
bouts of anger, depression, and arrogance
and hidden under all that is a person
with the capacity of great things
you see it, only if you go along with what
he wants to do, and only what he wants to discuss
All those months, and in one day
all the love is gone, a single a-ha moment
All that waiting.... though a good lesson has
taken place - there are no excuses for bad behavior
no exuses to keep breaking the same heart
and no excuses for devouring the same soul

Ordinary

To the reader who commented to me that I am ordinary:

I checked out your blog - no comment.

Sometimes

Sometimes
Love is not enough
Sometimes
you have to live and learn
Sometimes
you have to just let go
Sometimes
you have to demand more
Sometimes
you have to put yourself first
Sometimes
you will never be enough
Sometimes
they just don't know better
Sometimes
they weren't taught romantic love
Sometimes
I just have to send good thoughts and forgive...
as I walk away

Maybe

maybe
there are those you let
in and out of your life
and they suck out of you
everything last thing
you have to give
your soul, your sunshine,
even your self respect
they do this all the while
making you feel guilty, a burden
for asking for anything in return
and making you feel like
you agreed to the plan
and then don't even show the
desire or mutual respect
to even attempt to give back
what you need or desire
a one sided, very convenient
existence - twisted at that
maybe, I'll try it some time
maybe, if I decide to become
selfish, self-centered
maybe if I decide to think
only of number one for once
maybe, if I get tired of trying
to meet people in the middle
maybe, if I wake up some day
and just stop caring
maybe, just maybe
hell, I've learned from the best
maybe, but probably not

..as I have danced with the devil

Doubt lingers upon the journey of hope
clouding perception as it grips my throat
forcing me to look back to times
unprotected, unsheltered, unwanted
I disengage as my hurried thoughts jade
the presence before me
as I have danced with the devil
like a sleep walker in a numb state of
unawareness in order to protect
all I have left worth saving, my heart-
as it dares to dream against the odds
and in spite of the memories of days long ago
that feel much more close than the distant past

The Design of Us

Memories
swim
through my
faded existence
memories of you
I channel my force
towards positive
today it's not hard
like yesterday
and probably tomorrow
I remember the gentleness
you showered over
a broken body
devoid of all things good
you made me believe
and so I was salvagable
though, that was a fleeting
dream lived out by a fairy
just as was the design of us
it was fun to pretend
for awhile

Drink up your Sherry

what you need is a fix
go drink your sherry
the one wine you could never
say no to hangs above you
always drifting thoughts
you had my benefit of doubt
until I learned better
the truth - the source
how genuine she was
although the old ties were
apparent as my eyes were avoided
on a chance encounter
indicating mutual adherence
to some unspoken code of
some sordid codependent clinging
thrive as you may as I can now
laugh at your cowering moves
and your big words
that boil down to nothingness
how kind of you to falter after
and seek her approval of me
you longed for her jealousy
but she didn't fall for the bait
she knows your name and your game
and now I have been informed well
a coward's curse has followed
you intimidate the weaker and
you can not even be true to
your own heart, you reek of sherry
drink up your amber colored wine
I raise my glass to this locked door

Help

Does anyone know how I can make my blog private but keep my friends/followers that I have?

When Time Stands Still

temporary healing
brings about fleeting hope
those moments when the hands
of time stand still
as I dream, the clock has stopped
an untamed heart, wonders, ponders
and believes that someone
is watching, waiting
seeing these scars
as badges of insurmountable courage
fueled by a heart that refuses
to let go
a dreamer just waiting
for the final fantasy, the last
train when two hands become
intertwined forever
locked together for
the purpose of dual strength
a magical duet, the finest
performances striking
high, hopeful, happy chords...

Heads "Pack" - for Heads or Tails Tuesdays

Heads: Pack (or formerly known as Dark Knight)


Long haired cat - alone no pack
strayed territory, again
as she promised she never would
hadn't she learned her lesson
that of the darkness of night?
left her safety sought the friend
left misunderstood
made her way - confused, then stranded
Dark road - tried to run
suddenly surrounded
angry black dogs - hungry
afraid - she meowed, no one to hear
the odor of fear crushed her senses
couldn't flee, couldn't fight
porch princess
was no match for a pack dogs
forced to submission
stripped of everything
even her dime store collar
approaching car dispersed
it was over anyway
ran back to her territory
licking her unseen wounds
hid - alone and curled up
wishing for comfort
long haired cat, the night
is dark ...
and now so is she...
dark.

Moving on!

I'm back and better than ever .... writing up a storm and hanging with some new friends...unloading the users and those that seek to do nothing but gratify themselves. I am working on being true to my 2010 resolutions - actions speak louder than poetic words - those I write and mostly those I hear and that I am sometimes stupid enough to listen to - if someome mistreats you or fills you with empty promises, RUN. Those who love you will move mountains to meet in the middle somewhere. The best predictor of future behavior is that of the past. Trust your gut, it will save you heartbreak. This girl is moving on. I'll be posting a lot of things that I have written over the past year that may or may not have been posted before, some insightful - some not. Look forward to your input. xoxo

I Wait

she can envelope and encase you in real love if you let her try

the agony of the past will be long forgotten, you'll soon see why

she'll introduce you to a love so loyal, strong and true

she's been in the shadows, patiently waiting for you

I wonder if you've ever considered how she felt

and how your sensitive nature makes her heart melt

she so admires your multidimensional personality and your style

in your presence she can relax and be mellow for a short while

time has not yet been on her side

still she waits and waits, her heart open wide

she feels the warmth of hope in each rising sun

that soon the love of your heart might be won

Will You?

You may understand how I unraveled,

for on the same path you have traveled.

If I lean in your direction,

will you give my heart protection?

If you place your hand in mine,

I think again, the sun might shine.

and upon the shadows of my face,

there will be no longer be a trace.

Will you be my port in this storm,

and show me tenderness to keep me warm?

Will you promise to be a true friend,

and love me 'til the very end?

Together, there may be a fleeting chance,

to live a happy, true romance.

Good Bye 2009

2009 was a very eventful year. As I made my resolutions and conjured up new dreams last year on this very day, little did I know the reality I would come to experience. What a roller coaster ride the past year has been. I have known happiness, sadness, sickness, health...and well too many other things - many of which you have read through my sometimes true to life poetry. Just like last year, I have resolutions and dreams. I love the blank slate of a new year..nice, neat clean pages upon which I will continue to write my story. Hopefully the wisdom of 2009 will only serve to light my fire within and I will walk my path to fate. There are lots of new changes that happened for me at the end of 2009, both good and bad, so I am ready to soar above and live the life I'm meant to live! I want to thank you, dear readers, for your continued support, friendship, and love that you have so kindly bestowed upon me. I never knew what I was getting into one year ago when I began this blog and friends, it's been worth the ride! Bring on 2010. Are ya with me?