and I pray.....

After the week that I have been through, I'd gladly - no willingly repeat the last painful year or two of my life ...even the hysterectomy and lap part.  Heck, I'd have a hysterctomy once a year if I could guarantee that my dear mother would be spared anymore health issues.  Between myself and her we have spent way too much time in the hospital, in doctors offices and in pain - both physically and mentally.  Again, to see her happy, vibrant, and mobile once again would be worth any price I'd have to pay to see it.  My solace is her solace and I pray she will get it.  I had to call 911 last Saturday due to Mom having an awful, terrible, paralyzing copd attack.  She was struggling for air and could not catch her breath, could not speak, could not do anything - except for gasp for, struggle for -fight for air.  Poor woman's lips were turning blue.  I felt like a fumbling idiot.  I never really knew fear until that night.  It was like watching a person being suffocated and not being able to do a darn thing about it.  While in the hospital, we found out there had been some "abnormality" in her heart that was not there in August before her lumpectomy.  Now, we are left to wonder what that "abnormality" actually is.  She needs a cardiac catheterization but that  test uses a dye that could very well damage her one and only low functioning kidney.  So now, we must wait for her creatnine level to go down and pray - for time.  The doctors do not know if the damage to her heart was caused by the copd attack or if the copd attack was a result of the damage to her heart.  She is home with me now after 6 days in the hospital, on oxygen and waiting to see what the next step will be.  She'll have a nurse coming in to check her vitals every few days.  I'm glad to have her home but there is no ease knowing that the very event that brought her to the hospital could be repeated again - when I am not home to call for help.