Tell me now...

I visited you daily
in my dreams by night and day
I reached for you
with an allegiance that would not sway
ironically now -I teeter on the brink
trying to hold it all together
cries deep and unheard
I stand now alone
anxiety bleeding, screaming out
fatigued by reassuring the insecure
have I not been down this road before?
showering  faith undivided
must I be suffocated by mistrust?
thought I had so much to transmit
my love, my hope, my strength...
is that not enough?
tell me now -
why is that not enough?

A Season Come and Gone

A dream - one Tuesday

some years ago

came to fruition

as I was filled with

sun beams, moon beams

and sweet magical musings

soothing a body and soul

owned by pain and the lack of stillness

for moments in time 

faith was followed into the evening air

and bounce to a shuffling step returned

to bring solace and much more - hope

the will and determination to find me

in a sea of uncertainty 

 for some fleeting moments

I was a poet...and a fledgling musician

as I reached out in poetry

you replied in song

a budding of a friendship

that  season come and gone

Last Train Home

and I pray.....

After the week that I have been through, I'd gladly - no willingly repeat the last painful year or two of my life ...even the hysterectomy and lap part.  Heck, I'd have a hysterctomy once a year if I could guarantee that my dear mother would be spared anymore health issues.  Between myself and her we have spent way too much time in the hospital, in doctors offices and in pain - both physically and mentally.  Again, to see her happy, vibrant, and mobile once again would be worth any price I'd have to pay to see it.  My solace is her solace and I pray she will get it.  I had to call 911 last Saturday due to Mom having an awful, terrible, paralyzing copd attack.  She was struggling for air and could not catch her breath, could not speak, could not do anything - except for gasp for, struggle for -fight for air.  Poor woman's lips were turning blue.  I felt like a fumbling idiot.  I never really knew fear until that night.  It was like watching a person being suffocated and not being able to do a darn thing about it.  While in the hospital, we found out there had been some "abnormality" in her heart that was not there in August before her lumpectomy.  Now, we are left to wonder what that "abnormality" actually is.  She needs a cardiac catheterization but that  test uses a dye that could very well damage her one and only low functioning kidney.  So now, we must wait for her creatnine level to go down and pray - for time.  The doctors do not know if the damage to her heart was caused by the copd attack or if the copd attack was a result of the damage to her heart.  She is home with me now after 6 days in the hospital, on oxygen and waiting to see what the next step will be.  She'll have a nurse coming in to check her vitals every few days.  I'm glad to have her home but there is no ease knowing that the very event that brought her to the hospital could be repeated again - when I am not home to call for help.

The Darkest of Trenches

In the trenches

deep and desolate

I wade through the ruins

though your love 

is enveloping me 

strong hands pushing

hair away from 

my tear stained face

willing smiles in my heart

as the sunlight within you

shines warmth upon my being

and sturdiness to my stance

gently but purposefully

reminding me 

that I can

and I will

survive

you are so far away 

yet, beside me

I feel it

Strangers Upon a City Street

peace within swells
as I no longer reach for you
when pain is swallowing me whole
and sadness agitates my soul

relief swirls through my being
as I realize it is your love
that I no longer seek
and your adoration
I don't care to keep

though disappointment
burns in the presence of
forced conversation
turning awkward
as realization stirs inside
we have moved backwards
to a coexistence of
strangers upon a city street

Good Bye Yellow Brick Road...

Feeling the pain
while avoiding the obvious
you let the cat out of the bag
didn't you know that was dangerous
to speak of peace and the happiness within
was just antagonizing the disease...
that's so eager to win

As I Bless Memories...

Kaleidescope Dreams

And so began....

the story of you

the story of me

equating to rapture, mystery

mugs of vanilla chai latte

a walk in the park

laughter through raindrops

before it grows dark

beneath the silky, shining moon

underneath rays of melting sun

the dance with our kaleidescope dreams

. . . . h a s o n l y j u s t b e g u n 

Hope

This year will be the year of a million dreams,
a year where all roadblocks both physical and mental will be removed,
a year of opportunities,
a year of education and advocation for my disease,
a year of patience,
a year of love,
 a year of going off the beaten path,
a year of beautifully written words,
a year of adventure,
a year of facing fears,
a year of education,
a year of friendship.......

a year of HOPE